My Life As a Teenage Kindergartener
by Fullmetal224
Summary: Ed finds out he has to go back to kindergarten. Chaos ensues. Please read! Note: The teacher is an OC named Ms.Grace. Even though it will not say that sometimes. Sorry.
1. Going Back

My Life as a Teenage Kindergartener

Chapter 1: Going Back

Ed groaned. He HATED Mondays. The Colonel had told him to report to his office to discuss an "important matter." He stared at the colonel across from him, looking at some odd papers. Ed saw Roy smirk as he held up a pink slip of paper. Ed gulped. When Mustang smirked like that, it meant trouble. "Ed, I've noticed in your personal file that no record was kept for schooling at the age of 5-6 years." He explained. Ed stared at him in confusion. What was he talking about? Roy's smirk grew. "To put it bluntly, you need to go back to school..." He stopped and looked at Ed's relieved face. He must think he going to _high _school.

"...As a kindergartener."

Ed gaped. His eyes doubled in size and his mouth hung open. "K-KINDERGARTEN!?!?" He yelled. Roy kept smirking. "I wanted to let you know that starting today you will go to kindergarten for the ENTIRE year and legally pass. So don't even think alchemy will get you a higher grade. Understand?" Roy explained. Ed hung his head. "Yes..." He mumbled. "Okay. Havoc will drive you to school and back in the afternoons. You will be outside after lunch. Dismissed." Roy told him. Ed grumbled the rest of the day.

Al had tried several times to lighten his brother up. But nothing seemed to work. All Ed would do to answer was groan. In the car, Havoc tried to cheer Ed up too. "C'mon champ, lighten up! Alot of the people in the military could only WISH to be back in kindergarten! All you have to do is say your ABC's and you pass! Isn't that great?" Havoc smiled. Ed groaned, looking out the window. Havoc dropped the smile. "Of course, the colonel wanted you to know that the teacher you have will treat you like you're five. If you try to say you're fifteen, she won't listen." He warned.

A few minutes later, They were at the school. Havoc showed Ed to the room and left. '_Okay. Get ready Ed. 'Cause you're doomed._' Ed thought as he opened the door and stepped in the classroom.

I know it's a bit rushed, but it will get a LOT funnier! R&R!!!


	2. Attendance and Dancing

Note:When I say 'White' or 'Black', I AM NOT BEING RACIST!!! Have a nice day!

Chapter 2: Attendance and Dancing

It was a very colorful room. The walls were pink, and were decorated with numerous artworks and letters and numbers. A whiteboard was on one wall to Ed's right. Three round tables decorated with colorful name tags sat in the middle of the room, each having three small blue chairs. No other children were in the room. A tall lady wearing a flowery dress, was white skinned with blue eyes and straight red hair that reached down to her mid back. She walked over to him and smiled. "Hello there little boy! Aren't you so CUTE!?!" She exclaimed, pinching Ed's cheek.

Ed winced, before realizing, '_SHE JUST CALLED ME 'LITTLE'!!!!_' Ed was about to throw one of his famous tantrums, when he felt himself being picked up from under the arms. The lady started carrying him as if he were a baby to a blue rug under the whiteboard. When they were there, she gently sat Ed down on the rug, and knelt down. "So what's your name?" She asked. Ed rolled his eyes. She was really treating him llike he was five.

"Edward."

"What a lovely name! How old is Edward?"

Ed now felt like he was five.

"15."

"Wow! You're pretty big for a five-year-old!"

Ed stared at her blankly. "Um...I said I was 15. Not 5." Ed corrected.

"Why, you're the biggest 5-year-old I've ever met!" The lady exclaimed. Ed sighed. Havoc was right. This woman will never accept the fact he was 15. At that moment, a bell rang, making Ed jump. The woman opened a door in the back of the room, and called, "'s class! Time for learning!" Ed counted as 7 kids stampeded into the room, 4 girls and 3 boys. called everyone to the rug, and sat in a big chair in front of them. "Okay class! We are going to start this exciting year by learning each other's names and something about ourselves! Like, I am . I love children and I love to play! Now who's first?" She explained.

Almost everyone raised their hand. Ed tried to shrink in the middle of the crowd. The first one to go was a white girl with blonde hair in a ponytail and a yellow dress. "My name is...Emily. I love to um...play outside and...and love the color pink!" She stammered. In almost no time Ed met a scrawny white boy with glasses and freckles wearing a red shirt and overalls named Jacob, a black girl in a blue dress with pigtails named Kassidy, a black boy wearing a blue T-shirt and black shorts named Michael, a white boy with curly red hair wearing a red and white striped shirt and jeans named Andrew, and a white girl wearing pink pants and a pink shirt named Hannah.

By the last one, which was a hispanic girl wearing a red shirt and jeans named Hailey, Ed was almost asleep. His head was tilted to the right, and he was snoring softly. Andrew waved his hand and shouted, "!!!! This big kid fell asleep!!!!" went over to Ed and gave his shoulder a shake. Ed half opened one eye and looked at . Then remembered he was still in kindergarten. "Looks like a certain kid wants a nappy-wappy!" She sang, tickling under his chin. Ed moved his head and said, "No...Just tired from lunch." giggled. "Well, it's your turn to share with the class!"

Ed groaned. He tiredly got up to the front of the room and explained, "My name is Edward, or Ed for short. I like...helping my family and...drawing." This mainly sounded a little muffled due to the fact he was tired. When he sat back down, announced, " Well, I hope you're not too tired to join us in our little dance!" Ed perked up. Could this get ANY worse!?! "D-dance?" Ed stammered. "Yep! I'll show you!"

She stood at the front of the room, and started singing:

_"Grey squirrell grey squirrell, swish your bushy tail! _(wags her butt)

_Sniff for nuts (sticks her nose up and wiggles it) and chomp them down! _(Makes a 'squirrell face')

_Never leaving a trail! _(crawls on hands and knees in a circle once.)

_Grey squirrell, grey squirrell, swish your bushy tail!" _(wags her butt again.)

The whole class (except for Ed) clapped and cheered. "Now you try class!" She exclaimed. '_Oh, no._' Ed thought. While everyone else got up and started to sing and dance along, Ed stayed quiet and tried to hide in the forest of kids. One of the kids noticed this at the end and tattled, "! Ed's not swishing his tail! You have to swish your tail if you gonna be a squirrell!!!!!!" NOW Ed was embarrassed. Why couldn't he just get expelled and be done with it? Then he remembered what the Colonel said to him if he got expelled or suspended.

"_If I hear you have been expelled, then until I find another school you will be paddled every day. And you will be paddled every day for each day you are suspended. Got it?_"

Ed's thoughts were interrupted as told him, "Michael's right Ed. If you want to go to first grade, you gotta be a squirrell! Now get up and show us you're moves!" Ed sighed in frustration. He got up, and started to sing and dance as best as he could and sound happy. He was failing miserably. When he was done, he felt like he was going to die. This was going to be a LONG day.

YAY!!! R&R!!! NO FLAMES!!! TAKE THOSE GLOVES OFF MUSTANG!!!!


	3. News and Naps

Chapter Three: News and Naps

After the stupid dance was over, looked at her schedule, and frowned. She turned to the class. "I'm sorry class, but we won't have time to learn anything today. But don't worry. I'll send a note to all you're parents that starting tomorrow, we will have kindergarten all day!" She announced happily. Ed sulked. '_Why not just pour three galllons of milk down my throat?!?_' He thought. "Okay, it's playtime class! Pick somewhere you want to go and play!" shouted. Ed stayed on the carpet and read one of the children's books. Hopefully he couldn't get in trouble here.

A few minutes later, Jacob came up to Ed and snatched the book. Ed was about to yell at him and snatch it back, but Jacob tore the whole thing up! Ed quickly snatched the torn book and started to yell about personal belongings, before came. "Edward! I can't believe you would do this! And this is the book of the month!" She gasped.

"I didn't do it! It was--" Ed made a move to point at Jacob, but he left! Ed then felt a hand clamp around his wrist. led him to the back of the room, and sat him in a small yellow chair next to her desk. "Let's see if a time-out will do you some good." scolded, then left. Ed just sat there, looking at all the kids playing and running around. 5 minutes passed before he was let out, and read some more books before exclaimed, "Okay, class! It's naptime! While you're napping your parents will come and pick you up."

Ed was happy because he would finally get out of this place. After got out the mats and blankets, everyone picked a mat to lie down on, and was tucked in by . Ed hadn't planned to, but as soon as he was tucked in, he fell asleep. A few minutes later, Havoc came in to pick Ed up. told him everything that happened, and about the school being open all day to kindergarteners. Havoc nodded, and stepped over other kids to Ed. He shook his shoulder a few times, and watched Ed half-open one eye.

"Time to go champ." Havoc whispered. Ed held up his arms, apparently wanting to be carried. Havoc chuckled, and picked Ed up and carried him as if he really was five.

YAY!!!! R&R!!! NO FLAMES!!! I'M WATCHING YOU MUSTANG!!!


	4. Ed's Ridiculous Plans

Chapter 4: Ed's ridiculous plans

In the car, Ed grumbled all the way to HQ. "What's up, champ?" Havoc asked. "I don't want to go back. Especially in the morning." Ed grumbled. Havoc ruffled his hair. "It's never good on the first day. When you get more into it, you'll see how good it can be." Havoc told him. Ed scoffed. Havoc's smile broadened. "And before I forget, Roy knows you guys learned a new dance, and he's really excited to see it." He said. Ed yelled, "WHAT!?! HOW DOES HE KNOW!?!" Havoc shrugged. "Dunno. He just wants to see you dance and sing." Havoc replied.

Ed looked out the window angrily. "And your teacher told me about you and that torn book. I know you didn't like it there, but come on! Tearing up school property?!" Havoc scolded lightly. "IT WASN'T ME!!! It was this kid named Jacob! I was reading it, then he tore it up and I...stupidly snatched it from him as the teacher came." Ed mumbled the last part. Havoc chuckled. At HQ, Ed and Havoc went straight towards Roy's office. There was Roy sitting at his desk, with Falman, Furey, Breda, Hughes, and Hawkeye with him. Havoc went to Roy's side.

"So Ed, let's see this dance you were taught." Roy smirked. Ed sighed. Might as well get it over with. What he didn't notice was Hughes had a video camera with him, and started taping as the dance started.

"_Grey squirrell, grey squirrell, swish your bushy tail._

_Sniff for nuts, then chomp them down!_

_Never leaving a trail!_

_Grey squirrell, grey squirrell, swish your bushy tail._"

Ed was extremely humiliated by the time it ended, and Hughes stopped recording. Roy's smirk widened. "And I hear that you will be going to kindergarten in the morning starting tomorrow. So you best get ready for bed now." He implied. Ed looked at the clock: 7:28. "What?! THIS early?!" Ed yelled. "Kindergarteners have very early bedtimes. Yours is at 7:30. So go get ready for bed, and I better see you in bed by 7:30. Got it?" Roy ordered. Ed growled. Two minutes later, Ed was fast asleep in bed.

The next morning, Ed woke up and groaned. He _really _didn't want to go to kindergarten. Then he got a plan. It was brilliant!!! He would simply play sick! When Roy approached Ed's dorm, Roy heard coughing and wheezing. He peered inside, and saw Ed lying down, coughing up a storm. Roy raised and eyebrow. What kind of idiot did Ed take him for? He was gone for a few minutes, before coming back with a rectal thermometer. When he flipped Ed over on his stomach and jerked his pants down, Ed yelled, "Don't you have any _oral _thermometers!?!"

"Yes. But since you're a _kindergartener_, I need a rectal thermometer. Now if your tempurature is high, I'll let you stay. If it's not...Well, let's just say you'll be doing your schoolwork standing up." Roy explained. Ed winced before yelling before Mustang could inject it, "OKAY!!! I'M NOT SICK!!! THERE I SAID IT!!! NOW LET ME GO!!!"

'_Well, THAT plan was a total bust._' Ed thought while Havoc drove him to school. In the classroom, everyone was there. Ed then saw Jacob at the cars and trucks table. Ed smirked evily. He snuck up behind Jacob, and reached down his pants. Landing a firm grip on Jacob's briefs, he yanked up, lifting him 3 feet in the air. Jacob wailed. Teacher turned around, and saw Ed holding Jacob up by the underwear. Teacher stomped over to Ed, and grabbed his ear. Ed put Jacob down, and whimpered as he was dragged to the yellow chair again.

"_Not again!!!_' Ed thought. Teacher sat him down in the chair, and scolded him about respect. Which Ed ignored. He'd had too many lectures about that before. 5 minutes later, Ed was let out, apologized to Jacob, and Teacher called everyone to the carpet, where she tok role and they did their routine dance. He couldn't wait to get out of here.

R&R!!! NO FLAMES!!! (hoses mustang down.) ED:YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!


	5. Trouble

Chapter 5: Trouble

"Okay, class! We'll start the day by learning the--" Teacher was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Come in!" Teacher exclaimed cheerfully. Ed gaped as he saw who it was.

ENVY!!!!!

"I...I'm here for kindergarten." Envy grumbled. Then he saw Ed...and smirked evily. Ed groaned, and turned away. A few minutes later, the class was sitting at their tables, waiting for their teacher's instruction. Ed and Envy, of course, had to sit at the same table with Jacob. Teacher passed out pencils and worksheets with the alphabet on them. "Okay class! We're going to learn the alphabet today! I'll sing a special song, and show you each letter on this poster." She exclaimed, pointing at the long alphabet poster above her with a pointer.

She then proceeded to sing the annoying alphabet song, while pointing to each letter she sang. Ed just about fell asleep. "TEACHER!!!! ED FELL ASLEEP AGAIN!!!" Jacob yelled. That woke Ed up, and he yelled, "YOU STUPID TATTLETALE!!!" Ed regretted saying that, for as soon as he did, Teacher grabbed him by his collar, and dragged him into the hall. "I am very disappointed in you Edward! We do not call people names in my class! Or say the 's' word! You should know better! I want you to apologize to Jacob, and you will sit in time-out for playtime!" She scolded.

Ed was shocked to hear this. Playtime he could live with because he had something to do. But spending all that time in a stupid chair, he would just die of boredom! "But I--" He didn't get to finish his sentance, for he felt a hand press on the back of his neck, and lead him back inside the classroom. "Jacob, Ed has something to say to you." Teacher said. Ed blushed. "I'm...sorry." He grumbled. After the pathetic apology, everyone went to work, then naptime came. As soon as he laid down, Ed fell asleep. After naptime came lunch, which didn't last long.

Once lunch was over, everyone went back into the classroom. Ed noticed it was almost time to go, and that it was also playtime. Great. Havoc was going to find out what happened, and probably tell the colonel. Ed covered his tingling bottom. As soon as they were in the room, kids left and right started to play. Even Envy was playing with toy dinosaurs, pretending he was a big dinosaur eating all humans. He'd look up and smirk at Ed, who sat silently in the chair. Ed then got an idea. He hated himself for doing this, but he _had _to get out.

He turned to Teacher, and asked, "Can I please come out now? I promise I'll be good." He then used all the cuteness he had in him to make the biggest and most sorrowful puppy eyes. "No." Teacher said. Ed couldn't believe it! He dropped the cute act, and pouted in the chair, his arms folded across his chest, and his bottom lip sticking out. Pretty soon, Havoc came, and saw Ed sitting near the teacher with a nervous grin. He frowned. Teacher explained everything, with Havoc nodding along. "I'm sure he won't do it again." Havoc said, before dragging Ed out of the room and to the car.

Ed gulped. Havoc hadn't spoken the whole trip. Was he mad? There was only one way to find out. "Um...Havoc? Are you mad?" Ed asked. "No. But the colonel won't be too happy when I tell him the report." Havoc answered. Ed sighed. He knew one other thing for sure:

He was DOOMED.

R&R!!! NO FLAMES!!!! ED! TAKE OFF ROY'S GLOVES!!!


	6. Cranky and a New Teacher

Chapter 6: Cranky and a New Teacher

Ed sighed again. At least Havoc wasn't mad. Then another "bright" idea made it's way into Ed's head. If he could get Havoc's mind off of what happened, he wouldn't tell the colonel! He made his voice as sweet as possible, and asked, "How about you just forget the whole thing and just say I had a good day? It was just an honest mistake." Havoc smiled. He knew what Ed was up to. "No can do, champ. I can't lie to the colonel." Ed frowned. That didn't work. He brightened. he knew Havoc's weakspot.

He soaked up all the cuteness in him, and made extremely cute puppy eyes. "Pwease don' tell the colonel?" He asked. Havoc smiled at the cute face and ruffled Ed's hair. "I have to, Ed. That's not going to work." Ed stared at him in shock. That usually worked! Ed pouted the rest of the way. When they arrived at HQ, Havoc dragged Ed along to the colonel's office. When there, Havoc explained all that happened. Ed continued to pout, looking at his boots. Roy smirked. "Ed..." Roy mused, beckoning him over. Ed walked over, ready to get this over with. Roy had him turn around, and wait.

Ed felt the colonel tug his pants down a little, just enough to expose the waistband of his briefs. Ed was confused. But when he felt the colonel grip his briefs tightly, it all became clear. Before he could say anything, Roy yanked up on the underwear. Ed yelled and kicked as he was held inches off the ground. A few seconds later, Roy set him down, and finally let go. Ed as quickly as he could picked the underwear out, and glared at Mustang. Roy ruffled Ed's hair, and looked at the clock. 7:30.

"Okay, shorty, time for bed." Roy teased.

"WHO-ARE-YOU-CALLING-SO-SMALL-HE-COULD-SIT-ON-A-PENNY-AND-SWING-HIS-LEGS!!!!!!!!!!??????" Ed ranted.

Roy kept up the smirk. "Get up to bed." He ordered. Ed pouted. "No." Ed then felt himself being picked up. He realized who it was, and started to punch Roy's back as he was carried to his dorm. "Hey! Put me down, PUT ME DOWN!!!" Ed yelled. Roy set him down in Ed's dorm, and locked the door.

The next day, Ed didn't know why, but he felt entirely cranky. When Havoc came to his room to help him get ready for school, Ed refused to get out of bed. Havoc had to pull Ed off the bed, and dress him. Ed made himself really stiff, so it would be hard for Havoc to pull his clothes on. This failed because Havoc was stronger than him, and was able to pull his clothes on after a few minutes. In the car, Ed hoped he would be too late for kindergarten. No such luck. But Ed noticed that all the other children, including Envy, was there, but no Teacher.

'_Where is she? Is she sick?_' Ed thought. Of course what did he care? She was gone, and that's that. He then noticed a note on the board. "Does anyone know how to read?" Michael asked. Ed spoke up. It says:

'_I'm sorry, but my teaching career is finished. your new teacher will be here soon._'

The class stared at him blankly. "It means she won't be here anymore and we get a new teacher." Ed said slowly. "Ohhhhhhh..." the class understood now. Ed was lucky they didn't start bawling. They all sat on the carpet and watched the door. A few minutes later, the bell rang, and the door opened. "Hello class." Said an all too familiar voice. Ed scowled. Mustang was their new teacher!?!? Roy smirked. "My name is Roy Mustang. But you guys can call me Roy." Ed's scowl grew. This had to be the worst day of his life!!!

Hope you like the new teacher! R&R!!! Now I don't have to worry about flames! (Holds up Roy's gloves.) ED: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! (crys because he doesn't have Roy's gloves.)


	7. Oh, Dear

Yeah I haven't uploaded in a while. Hope you like this chapter!

Chapter 7: Oh, Dear…

Ed could not take this anymore. He was sent back to kindergarten, has to do a stupid dance every day, ENVY is here, and now his new teacher was ROY MUSTANG?! Ed finally had enough and blew up.

"COLONEL BASTARD! WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING HERE!? SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT THE OFFICE WORKING YOU'RE A$$ OFF WITH YOUR F***ING PAPERWORK!? YOU JUST CAME HERE TO TORTURE ME MORE, AND IF THIS IS ALL A JOKE, IT IS NOT FUNNY!"

Roy's eyes were wide in shock. But instead of blowing up himself, he set his papers down on the teacher's desk, grabbed Ed by the ear, and hauled him out into the hall. There, the kids heard numerous smacks and yelps from Ed, mostly ow's and cursing. When the spanking was over, Roy dragged Ed back in the room by his coat, and had him sit in the yellow chair next to his desk.

While Ed was brooding in the chair, the rest of the class went on with their dance, and Ed was let out shortly after when they were set to work. A worksheet was passed out, with the directions being to add and subtract the numbers. Unfortunately, Envy was sitting right next to him, and snatched the sheet, writing something on it, and passing it back to Ed.

As Ed read the note, Roy tapped on his shoulder. On the top of the sheet was Ed's name, and all around the sheet was a bad drawing of Roy and an arrow with the words "COLONEL BASTARD" printed on it. Roy took Ed by the coat out of his seat, and sat him roughly in the yellow chair, marking the paper with an F. Once the class finished the work, Roy had the rest of the class go to playtime, still keeping Ed in the chair. Envy walked passed as Roy wasn't looking, and pulled an eyelid down with his finger, sticking his tongue out.

Ed wanted to blow up again, but knew how Roy would reward _that_. Ed also knew one other thing:

This was the worst day of his kindergarten life.


End file.
